Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
