I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize