Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
