Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
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Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
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She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
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