so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
