Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
