You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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