if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There's always time for handjobs
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
