The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
