i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
