I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
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So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
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nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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