i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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