i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
