I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
