i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
