Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
