mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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