# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
