I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
