is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
