HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
