I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
