so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
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