So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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