He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
