standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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