True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
