so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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