somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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