My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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