I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Randomize
