She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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