I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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