Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
