I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
