Just fell off a train. Bad.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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