I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
