im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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