Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
