I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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