when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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