It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
