i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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