apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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