Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
dude. I can hear the air.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
