I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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