Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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