I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
