Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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