my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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