bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
