I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?