...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
