I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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