The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
