It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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