her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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