He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She's the barista slut.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
