Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
where am i from again
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
